In June 2019, I wrote the word "ASPIRATIONS" in my journal, all caps and underlined. The first item beneath it read "Handstand, because it's one of those things I've just accepted I'll never do." Underneath that: "Scuba dive, because I'm afraid and it's not something I've ever pictured myself doing." Underneath that: "Finish a story, because it terrifies me."
Nine months after I wrote down these goals, COVID happened. Sure, I could've kept moving forward with those aspirations during lockdown; it's not like I needed to go anywhere to work on one of my dozens of half-finished short stories or start trying handstands. But the truth is, I was in no place, mentally or emotionally, to experiment with new hobbies and goals. Uncertainty was everywhere -- why would I sign up for more? It was all I could do to read my books and watch my shows and bake my emotional-support banana bread, cocooning myself against the COVID-induced fear, anxiety, and isolation.
As the world started to open back up (for better or worse), years later, I began to realize that this comfort zone was starting to feel more like a rut. When confronted with a new experience -- downloading a dating app, reaching out to a friend I haven't talked to in a while -- I froze, cowered, and crawled back into bed. Sometimes, that's fine -- sometimes, I legitimately don't want to go to a dinner or pottery class or a date I'm not really feeling. Sometimes, it's self-care. But other times -- and I can tell the difference -- it's still fear.
According to my therapist, this is my anxiety trying to keep me safe (and stationary) forever. "It wants to keep you where you are," she says, "because anything new is unknown and therefore terrifying." This makes sense, and I get it, but I also want out of the spiral. I want to try handstands and scuba diving and things I never imagined myself doing. I can sense that my comfort era has overstayed its welcome, but how do I know if I'm ready to move past it? And if I am ready -- where do I even start? Here's what mental health experts had to say.
Ellie Borden, BA, RP, MCC, is a psychotherapist, clinical director, and clinical supervisor at Mind by Design Psychology.
Alexandra McNulty, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety disorders at McNulty Psychotherapy and Integrative Wellness.
Elyse D. Schunkewitz, LCSW, is a holistic psychotherapist.
It's easy to demonize your comfort zone as the thing keeping you away from all your big, shiny, terrifying goals -- god knows I've done it -- but your comfort zone itself is not inherently bad. Everyone has a comfort zone. There's nothing wrong with wanting to hang out there for a while. "There's a pressure in our society to constantly grow, evolve, and hustle," says psychotherapist Kelly Neupert, LPC. That pressure can make us doubt and question ourselves when we finally decide to rest or "lean into comfortability," Neupert says.
If you're truly, authentically happy where you are, it's fine to stay there. Don't feel like you have to change because society demands it. It's perfectly OK to lean into your moments of peace and comfort, especially if you're going through a tough time. "It's actually important for us to have sufficient space to be in our comfort zones, especially when our lives or the world in general feel too chaotic or unpredictable," explains clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD. "If being in your comfort zone feels good and gives you the space you need to learn and expand, you may be in just the right place." You're not required to be chasing big goals and pushing yourself all the time, even if it seems like that's what everyone else is doing. (FYI: they're probably not.)
When the world opened up post-pandemic, Dr. Manly says many people may have felt pressured to "expand their lives" before they were actually ready to do so. If the idea of pushing past your comfort zone causes significant anxiety or panic, "it may indicate it is better to stay within your comfort [zone] for the moment, since you are not ready to try something new," says psychotherapist Ellie Borden, BA, RP, MCC. "You should not put your mental health in jeopardy," she says.
I think we all know, in our guts, when we're ready to start branching out of our comfort zone, but sometimes, that instinct isn't enough to overcome the fear. So how can you convince yourself that you're ready or, conversely, realize that it might not be time yet?
The short answer is to look at what's motivating you. "Are you staying in place due to fear of taking a risk or being uncomfortable, or because you're authentically content with where you are?" Neupert asks. "If your fear is preventing you from living life according to your values, it's time to get out of your comfort zone."